Grannies Win at Life. Always.

Grandmothers are special. From the time we enter their lives, a bond is formed that can't be duplicated or replaced. I remember both of my grandmothers fondly: memories of fried chicken, celebrity gossip and talk shows, flood my mind more often than I'd like to admit sometimes. These were the ones who took my side over my parents in any of my tween angst issues. One lived in Florida, and the other down the street, and no matter where I was, whenever I talked to them, I was home. I remember the boxes of oranges and grapefruits sent every winter, picked from the trees in the backyard. They tasted like love.

And sunshine.

Anyway, one thing I really adore about grandmothers is that they can delve into popular culture, and be the talk of the town. No one boos grandmothers like they would cheesy mothers and fathers trying the same thing. In fact, we cheer them on with enthusiasm, glossy eyed at the cuteness they radiate. You remember the rapping granny from The Wedding Singer? She said a hip, a hop, a hippy, and we bopped along. Grannies + Ratchetness = Winning at life.

This is why I'm thankful for YouTube. With the technology offered on phones and webcams all over, we can all indulge in Cute Granny Tricks on YouTube (instead of the usual cat videos.)¹

To help you get started, here are a few of my favorite granny videos (some of these have a language warning, so deem them NSFW or KIDS):

• Rack City Grandma- I had never even heard of this song before this video. In usual YouTube fashion, a teenager is lip synching to this anthem of... whatever, while in the background, the true star shines. Grandma went to work  and hit her cat daddy.

• Three Six Granny- Grandmother raps along to the lyrical stylings of Academy Award winners Three Six Mafia. She actually catches the flow and all while son does some kind of frenetic twitching in the background. I'm not a big fan of this song, and I haven't even heard it all the way, but... extreme language on this one. She's like a dirty version of the Rapping Granny from America's Got Talent.

• Granny Walks It Out- Nothing like seeing grandmothers in the moment with the grandkids. At this family gathering, grandma is introduced to the 'walk it out' craze of some years back, and her commentary is priceless. I keeled over when she yelled, "AWLAWD- my knees hurt!" and her "this is some GOOD exercise!" line reminded me of something my own mom would say. She was definitely a good sport, even if the grandkids put her on myspace.²

• Granny Pats Her Weave- Don't get in this granny's way when Beyonce comes on- she is trying to get bodied (whatever on Earth that means). Y'all see how she has that back it up and bounce move executed perfectly on that walker? She even strolled around it for a little bit of model walking that would make Tyra Banks proud. 

• Granny Hitting Usher Moves- Remember back in the day when Usher was a cherubic crooner who only had to worry about what girl to walk home from school? When The Box was still music television we controlled, a certain video featuring 5, count 'em, FIVE Usher Raymonds, jigging across the screen to one of his biggest hits, "U Make Me Wanna." My siblings and I would watch, memorize, and perform the choreography live from the living room, often arguing over who would be which Usher. I preferred guitar strummer-Usher. Looks like this grandma got her review, learn, repeat on, too. And HIT IT.

• The Electric Sliding Elder Club- I'd be doing you all a disservice if I didn't introduce you to some of my favorite dancing elders. Well, actually, it's a group featuring all ages called Step In The Name of Life (see what they did there?) a community based organization seeking to better people's overall health, that posted videos of its students learning all of these slides I never knew existed. One day last summer, I stumbled upon their videos, and like anything you shouldn't, I kept watching. What did I learn? Every song has a slide. EVERY SONG. HAS. A SLIDE. Enjoy!

Dear ones, enlighten me with your zany grandmother tales in the comments- what kind of adorably ratchet, off the wall things do they do that make your day? 


Signing off from Rack City (wherever that is),
Beez


¹ Not that there's anything wrong with cat videos, but I can't watch too many. I'm allergic, and the videos almost make me sneeze sometimes.
² RIP, Myspace. We hardly knew ye. Or really wanted to.

Grannies Win at Life. Always.

Manifesto of a New iPhone User- My Promise

Just imagine this is the logo on the phone.

Hi, there.

If you can't tell by the title, I've joined "the cult." A little over two weeks ago, I was waiting on a very special delivery. I heard very special things about this gadget, and to make a good first impression, I might have dolled myself up a little. UPS was playing with my emotions, sending me texts that a package was on my doorstep. It wasn't there, and I was upset... but I kept waiting, reapplying lip gloss, and primping. When that lovely little parcel arrived, I opened it, and expected magic. I mean, it is the number one smartphone in the world, and after having Palms for the last 7 years (and being comfortable enough with webOS), I was ready for something different. Too bad I didn't get the memo that phones can't do like Laddie, the super-dog from The Simpsons that gathers a fruit basket for you upon opening.

After a few hours, though, I was convinced that this investment was pretty much worth it, but in the interest of my social life, I cannot allow myself to become an apple-holic. In order to keep my priorities intact and stay marketable for a husband one of these days, I've prepared a manifesto of sorts. For those unfamiliar with the term, a manifesto is simply a written declaration of intentions, intended to be a focus for my duration of my reign as an iPhone user. Count down with me, and feel free to apply these to your life where necessary.

The New iPhone User's Manifesto

As a new iPhone user, I promise the following: 

• I will not preface every verb with a little i. iSee a lot of iFans do this. iThink it's a way for people to be unified in their iStandom. It can be a little fun in the beginning, but after about 20 minutes, it gets old. We get it- you pledge allegiance to the iPhone. 
• I will not turn every question into a new episode of "Ask Siri." To be quite honest, the idea of Siri actually scared me in the beginning. A "virtual assistant" that catered to your every need by voice? I wasn't buying it- mostly because I feel the stuff I ask Siri to do at this point, I can do a lot faster myself. Besides, I'm never really that busy to where Siri has to set my alarm, send a text for me, or reschedule a (nonexistent) appointment on my calendar. If you're that important, then knock yourself out with those features. Of course, since Siri is still in beta, it's actually more fun to just ask her (I think she's a girl) random questions and see what she's talking about. 

See what I'm saying? Photo Credit: Sh*t That Siri Says

•  I will not use every conversation as a segue into the mission of "convert everyone into Mac/iPhone users." This is probably one of my biggest gripes about Mac users. Some of them operate under this aura of self-importance, as if Windows is that much beneath them. I personally can use either, and have no qualms about which is seemingly better. If a Mac's around, I'll use it. If a PC is available, I likely bought it because I can afford it. No need for me to sing the praises of (the late) Steve Jobs, or try and down everything Microsoft or Palm has ever done for me just because I have this new gadget. Truth is, I like gadgets in any form, so redeeming qualities can be found in anything for me. 
• I will not become an instagram/hipstamatic/phototoaster etc. "photographer." You've seen them- the seemingly endless streams of photos on someone's facebook or twitter profile. How many ways can one doctor up the same photo? What is the appeal of editing photos to look like they were all created decades before any of us were born? The fact that some use this medium as their primary photography method completely bothers me. I've tried instagram, and let me tell ya, THERE ISN'T MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE 80 FILTERS. For the sake of comparison, I'll add two photos I just took, one normal, and one with special effects: 

My laptop before. Check the lap desk.

My laptop- Instagrammed.

See? It's still a crappy photo, just with flair, finesse, and technique! I wish it could be a deeper photo, that symbolized the struggle of my fingers amidst the keyboard, but seriously, that ain't that. Filters don't make your photos deeper or inherently more interesting. Please... don't subject your friends to endless streams of this. If you still insist on it, at least take down the sharing settings. 

 

Any of you former or current iPhone users have any important tips or recommendations for me, just to make sure I don't tee off the general population? Feel free to share below. 

Siri will never rule everything around me, 

Beez

Manifesto of a New iPhone User- My Promise

Jimmy Kimmel - Cruelty to Children!

I must admit (for those who already don't know), I have a soft spot for children.

The little precious puffs I watch on a regular basis, and those that I don't watch as much all hold a special place in my gargantuan heart. In my eyes, they can do no wrong. In my mom's eyes, they're my babies. That I didn't have the pleasure of giving birth to.

With that said, I do love watching them grow, and their logic development process. Their ability to take everything so literally is astounding. Sometimes, I wonder where I went wrong with over-thinking things. When a three year old refuses to have her Snow White doll wear Cinderella's dress (even though Cinderella's dress is currently on Ariel), because "that's not how it goes," it can be tiring. Never mind how or why Cindy's dress bibbity-bobbity-booe'd over to Ariel anyway. "Ariel needed a dress- she's nakey!" Fine, kid. Fine. She didn't take too kindly to my paper towel dress suggestion, but  I was ready to move on from doll-play.

I realize that sarcasm does not work well with the two-to-four-year old set, but it makes me happy, darnit. It just does. That, and as the five year olds will say,  "tricking them." That, friends, is a process in which you tell a blatant untruth, to see if the tiny brain will uncover it. Usually, it ends up with the little on erupting in giggles, because they just KNOW Mickey Mouse does not quack. No matter how many times you try and tell them.

This past Halloween, Jimmy Kimmel (whose show I'll admit I never watch until there are good music guests- AND he has The Roots as a band!) instructed parents around the country to "trick" their offspring, by telling them this past Monday that their Halloween candy was eaten overnight. Not by the demented Cavity Fairy, but by their own moms and dads. The reactions were recorded, and hilarity ensued.



The range of emotions that a child can go through in a minute's worth of time is amazing. The giggly faces, to the straight-faces, to shock, to wallsliding, denouncing of mother's love, to paper throwing... these kids showed their emotions. ALL of them. That little boy that punched the wall, though? No bueno.

The last little boys in pajamas were TOO adorably snarky. "...you're a SNEAKY MOM!" "Well, that's just great. You're gonna have a bellyache." Well, they do what they hear...

Would you ever pull a prank like this on your kids, or have you already? Christmas is coming soon- would a "Santa Didn't Come" be too much? I'm pretty sure future Baby Beezes will just have to grin and bear it. Because I will trick them. And roast them when they cry. Then love them, and bake cookies for being such sports with an ignant mama.

Happy Friday!
Beez

PS- Next week, I'm taking a trip. Out of the country. :)

Jimmy Kimmel - Cruelty to Children!

Chain of Fools

In the digital world, fast is the only word that matters. We want our news fast. Our e-mails fast. Our movie tickets, restaurant reviews, IMs, and television shows streamed- fast, fast, fast, fast. With access to endless gadgets to satisfy our lust for knowledge, we often unknowingly enter a race where 'first' isn't always the desired place.

Just say, "NO." to chains. Do it in separate languages if needed.

Enter the chain letter. Ever since we can remember, our online identities have encountered them. They range from the messages of hope and inspiration made to brighten your day to the Sent to everyone on your aunt's (or mom's) email address book, as a 15 part text message forwarded from China, and even our social networks. Bad grammar aside, we take these messages for what they're worth (I mean, it came from my first grade best friend!), and pass them on in fear of the consequences located near the end. There's always a consequence. Someone likely falls victim to a chain message about every 1.8 seconds. Because I care, I will offer a couple of tips to make sure it isn't you:

• Got common sense? Use it. If Bill Gates wanted to pay 5 cents for every email sent in the name of Insert Sick Kiddington, he'd probably go for something a bit grander than an email whose origin can't be found. If Mark Zuckerberg wanted to introduce some kind of pricing structure for Facebook, he wouldn't rely on a bunch of people to spread the word and make your profile change color just to prove you did it. Not when he has access to your personal contact information, favorite movies and music, and brand preferences.

• Doesn't sound right? Fact-check it. When you come across the latest rumor on your smartphone, tablet, or netbook, why not perform a quick search to check the legitimacy before just copying and pasting? The latest Facebook rumor started with the words "it was even on the news." Whose news? Where is the proof?  Google is your friend. Snopes is your friend. Bookmark them on your fancy gadgets and race to know the truth before you post blindly. 

• Is it in all caps? Probably a bust. No grownup should use all capital letters when relaying a message that's meant to be taken seriously. Traditionally, an all caps message meant the sender is yelling at you, but today, it's likely not the case. Something about any text written in all capitals makes me want to automatically skip over it, convinced the sender hates me from head to . The same could be said for horrible grammar, nonexistent punctuation, and the Comic Sans typeface.  

When all else fails, you can just say no to the chain. That little girl's ghost WILL NOT haunt you at 11:11 if you don't forward. Your true love WILL NOT suddenly awaken from a stupor and make your world a happily ever after one. Long lost Nigerian relatives DO NOT have a sudden fortune bequeathed to you solely. Surprisingly, the world continues to go on as if these outcomes have no impact. Perhaps the world is onto something.

You know what, though? The chain can end with you. Stop the foolishness.

Don't Be a Link to the Chain(s),
Beez

Chain of Fools

Operation White Cake Just Raised the Bar.

Yesterday, in my usual Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr rotation, I came across a video that might as well had been labeled The Cutest Thing Ever. You see, this guy Shawn decided his girlfriend of 7 years was definitely the one he wanted (No Zukko). They had plans to elope in Vegas then announce it casually among friends soon after. However, Shawn decided girlfriend Colleen deserved much more than that, and in a series of conversations for a year, Shawn recorded details of what would make a wedding perfect for Colleen, then made it happen.

Yes, you heard that right. He planned a wedding down to the details she wanted. Had her dream dress flown in, the family members and friends on location, and the crew of bridesmaids dressed and ready to go. All that was needed was a willing bride. That part would (hopefully) come soon enough.



Everybody in attendance was at the designated spot before Colleen, so those who weren't in the know were informed that the bride-to-be didn't even know of this surprise. It was like a surprise party, except with a white dress, new rings, and a marriage license as parting gifts. Shawn threw in some lovely quotables from The Princess Bride as an added touch, and began to pace nervously, awaiting his girlfriend's arrival. He hoped if she said yes, everything she needed was available, since he even arranged for all of her bedroom furniture to be on-site, in the same arrangement she has it at home. Seriously, this guy needs an award. If not for making me lose my thug at the phrase "Martha Stewart paper balls," then for having such an immaculate attention to detail when planning what (I'm told) is one of the most significant days of a woman's life. Colleen is, quite possibly, the luckiest woman on earth.



*cue applause and awwwws*

With the onslaught of surprise proposals I've seen recently, this took it up a notch. I'd definitely be down if the man in my life decided to just go for what he knew and plan the most splendid shindig of my life. I'd catch about 50 jigs knowing I'd never get a chance to flap my Bridezilla wings. I'm not saying I have them, but wedding planning just seems to bring out the ugly in some women.

Oh, and here's the video detailing this day-long journey from girlfriend to fiancee to wife. Feel free to send them well-wishes at operationwhitecake@gmail.com.






So...
Would any of you be willing to

• plan and coordinate surprise nuptials for your beloved, or 
• gladly participate if my love decided to pull something like this off? 

Discuss.

That's love in the air, not sulfur.
--Beez

Operation White Cake Just Raised the Bar.